With this handy guide you too can become the neighborhood crazy cat lady. Isn’t that what every little girl secretly aspires to? No? Just me, then? OK. Moving on.
Step 1. Notice a litter of feral kittens under your shed with their mama. Say “awwww” and take roughly 1,000 pictures.
Step 2. Feel bad for the kittens and put out some food for them. This is the most important step. This is the step that ensures every cat in the neighborhood will flock to your house.
Step 3. Realize you’ve been feeding them so long they now rely on you for food. Continue feeding those kittens.
Step 4. Notice the same mama cat dropping off three more kittens under your shed. Yell “Hey! I’m not running a feral cat daycare here! Shoo!”
Step 5. Realize yelling didn’t discourage this cat at all and frantically Google what to do about feral cats
Step 7. Realize you’ve spent more renting the trap than if you’d just bought one and you still haven’t caught the mama cat.
Step 8. Buy a trap.
Step 9. Try to explain to the neighbors that even though you feed these cats and take them to get fixed they are not actually your cats. Be sure to stand in front of the shelters you built for the cats to stay warm over the winter. The intent is to partially hide them but it’ll actually draw attention directly to them and make you look crazier. Explain how you are really doing this for the whole neighborhood. One feral cat can breed so much you end up with like 1 million cats. Show them a graphic from Alley Cat Allies for good measure.
Step 10. Find yet another group of kittens under your shed because the mama cat is somehow outsmarting you and still hasn’t been trapped. Begin the cycle over. But this time be sure to Google how to catch a “difficult to trap” feral cat. None of the ideas will actually help but you’ll feel like you’re at least trying.
There’s your 10 step plan to become the neighborhood crazy cat lady. This plan has the added benefit of leaving you broke because you are constantly buying cat food and paying for vet trips for cats that hate people! So you don’t even get the joy of petting them!