The Liberation of an Advice-Giver

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Hypothetical Social Media Post:

Frustrated Mom: “I am SO SICK of Claire fighting me when I give her medicine! I can’t even tell if she got the full dose!”

Well-meaning friend 1: “Have you tried mixing it in grape juice?”

Well-meaning friend 2: “We freeze ours in kool aid and never have any issues getting Sally to take it.”

Mom’s-cousin’s-best-friend-who-met-her-that-one-time: “This was never a problem back when I had small children. They knew better than to disobey.”

Frustrated Mom: {Spends the next hour trying to defend her mothering abilities}

Does this sound familiar? If I had a nickel for every time I see an interaction like this on social media, I would have a lot of nickels. 

Realization

A few years before we had our son, I joined a women’s group to read through Boundaries, a book written by two psychologists. I thought it would be a nice, casual read with a few pointers that I could incorporate as a newlywed. It ended up radically changing my life! My dear friend and mentor, Teresa, led the group and the book had also changed her life. I could write all day about the book, but one of the biggest takeaways for me was that unasked for advice is the same thing as criticism. Let that sink in for a moment – unless someone is directly asking for your advice, any advice you give them is the same as a criticism. I realized I had been criticizing people that I love for years!

One of the ways the group members helped one another as we learned together was to eliminate any advice-giving when we took turns sharing about our individual lives. If someone in the group needed advice, they could approach a person in the group one-on-one to discuss. This level of security created such healthy bonds between the members of the group.

Liberation

I carried this practice into my everyday life. If someone exclaimed like the frustrated mom above, I would refrain from expressing what helped me or what she could change. Instead I would empathize with how she felt. When I broke through the surface reaction of fixing another person’s problems, I gained access to the depth of friendships that carry each other’s burdens. It has taught me to ask the question “Are you seeking advice on this topic, or would you prefer that I listen and understand?” It has also led to me stating, “I’m not looking for advice but I would really like to vent about this struggle I am having.” It sounds awkward at first, and it has taken me years of practice, but I am committed to this self-discipline because it has radically changed my friendships.

As someone who tries really hard to only give advice when it is asked for, it is awkward to write a blog post recommending something! So, let me say it this way: in my personal experience, this behavioral change has given me richer friendships and has removed defensiveness. Will it be right for you? I have no idea! But I will always be grateful for my friend Teresa and that group of women who helped me change the course of my life in so many ways.

Let’s try that social media post over again:

Frustrated Mom: “I am SO SICK of Claire fighting me when I give her medicine! I can’t even tell if she got the full dose!”

Friend 1: “You are such a loving and caring Mom. Hang in there, friend!”

Friend 2: “Emmett would fight me every.single.time. And it drove me bonkers. I’m so sorry she is sick and not wanting her medicine!”

Mom’s-cousin’s-best-friend-who-met-her-that-one-time: “I talked to your mom’s cousin and we would love to bring by dinner so that you all can get some rest. Would Tuesday night work?”

Frustrated Mom: “Thank you all so much for understanding! This Mom stuff is hard!”

Now, that’s better!

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Becki I
Becki is a resident of Hoover, and works full-time as a software product manager. She has been married for eight years to her husband, Garrett. She is Momma to Gabe, a precious 5 year-old who loves music, animals, affection, and making new friends. Becki is a fan of football and gymnastics, enjoys planning trips to The Happiest Place on Earth, and loves spending time with her small group. She has a Springer Spaniel, Rigby, who is more an extra child than a pet. On the rare occasion that Becki has time to herself, she enjoys learning more about Myers Briggs (she's an ESTJ), practicing public speaking, and having deep conversation with friends. When Gabe was born he suffered an extensive brain injury that led to multiple diagnoses, primarily Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy and Epilepsy. While their journey is not what they expected, Garrett and Becki are grateful and honored to be parents to a son who has exceeded the joy they thought possible. Team Irby loves sharing their story - the good, the bad, and the ugly - to increase awareness and kindness.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Awesome! I laid down the law with my advice-giving mom when my first was born. ‘You can tell me anything ONCE!!!’ It satisfies her need to advice and my need not to feel nagged or criticized. Great post!

  2. Dear sweet Becki, I am thrilled to see you start a blog! You have many stories to tell, an amazing mind to share – and I am one of your biggest fans. Looking forward to all that you have to say, my friend.

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