This year, my husband and I coached our little girls’ basketball team and it was so much fun. Trying to get eight little girl personalities all on the same page to be a team is like trying to herd a bunch of cats: hilarious and hard work. But by the end of our season, they all became good friends. They cheered for each other (LOUDLY) when they made goals or good defensive plays, and they were genuinely excited when we won our games. We also lost a few games, and they were appropriately disappointed, but not upset. No crying, no protests of, “It wasn’t fair” . . . until our last game of the season.
And honestly, as a coach, that game wasn’t fair. By the rules of basketball, the game shouldn’t even have been played. But this is community basketball, for girls ages 5-7, so we played anyway. And we lost the game. A few of our girls were bummed that our season was over but otherwise accepting. And then we had two girls that cried hard. They were so upset. I think all of them, including the parents, were a little disappointed.
Thinking back, I loved when our youngest was in the three-year-old soccer league. She was young and wild and had no idea what she was doing from minute to minute on the field. No one kept score, and it would have been too difficult anyway since half of the goals were scored in the wrong net. But slowly, the focus changes in youth sports. Winning becomes more important as our children get older, moving into later elementary years and then into middle and high school. Players become more disciplined, and they work towards their goals even outside of practice. Coaches want to win their games, so the better players end up playing more in the game and others may sit the bench.
I’m not sure when that change happens, at what age children are expected to perform instead of just participate.
So quickly, pressure from parents and other kids can build up and explode into poor sportsmanship. Cries of “It’s not fair!” and “I should be playing, I’m better than him!” might be heard behind dugouts, in locker rooms, or at home. And if you let a child sit too long in these emotions of anger and disappointment, it can eat away at their confidence and self-esteem.
I pray that my kids learn to win and lose the same. I want them to take pride in the fact that they worked hard and played their best, encouraged their teammates and still ENJOYED the game. It’s ok to want to win! I don’t believe we should discourage that competitive spirit in our children, but balance it with kindness, encouragement, and support of others. We as parents need to encourage our children to do their very best in all circumstances, no matter if they’re sitting the bench or playing the entire game. But if my child doesn’t win, I want her to understand that there is no excuse to be ugly to other people or to blame your loss on someone else. The early lessons our children learn from recreational sports translates later into lessons that can be applied to real life.
So what do we do, as parents, when our children are faced with disappointing circumstances? How do we explain things to school-aged children so they can understand the hard concept at hand? Throughout the basketball season, the girls on our team noticed when other teams lost and some of their players skipped high fives or made ugly faces at them. Those girls were upset that they lost and let everyone know it by their actions. Our final basketball game was the perfect opportunity to show our kids that sometimes things don’t work out in your favor. But at the end of a game, after you’ve played your heart out and done your best, the only thing YOU are responsible for is your reaction to the situation.
Those few girls dried up their tears quickly and turned to the youngest teammate, who had made her first free throw of the entire season in our last game. At our end-of-the-season party, they celebrated with her, and with each other, as a team.
I would love to hear from other moms: how do you encourage good sportsmanship in your children? How do you help your child move forward after a disappointing game/tryout/circumstance?