Dear J Lo,
Let me just say, you were amazing during the Super Bowl half-time show, even more than I expected. I knew you would dance as energetically and beautifully as always, but I was truly blown away by the sheer power you brought to the field. Forget those big guys running for ten seconds and needing to get oxygen. You were in full out movement from start to finish with no oxygen mask in sight.
Momma to Momma, Woman to Woman
But J Lo, momma to momma, from a woman who has 50 in the rearview mirror: I want to caution you now that you are passing the 50-year mark. You’ll need to approach that pole spinning and knee sliding with a little more trepidation. You see, what you don’t know yet is that your body is about to start betraying you in little ways every year you move further from 50.
I know you have cared for your body in a way that I never have. If I tried that kind of booty shaking, I likely would have knocked a few people over in my swing zone. Your body, as finely tuned as it is, has a million little ways to betray you that have nothing to do with your fitness or health. Let me just clue you in about a few.
First, your eyesight.
I’m glad you didn’t have to read anything, because your readers would have flown away in all that spinning and jumping. Your eye muscles will weaken just a little bit at a time, and I recommend that you give in and keep a sexy pair of readers close at hand.
Second, your skin.
I’m sure you have a team of experts keeping your skin dewy and smooth, but you’ll notice places that give away your age like the backs of your hands, décolletage, and around your knees. You could worry about how your skin looks, but I recommend that you worry more about the possible basal cell carcinoma and keeping your annual dermatological check. You get one of those, right?
Third, that first colonoscopy.
Yes, the prep is horrible, but the nap during the procedure is restorative. Unfortunately, I left with a giant staple which replaced an oversized polyp. My doctor said the staple could eventually leave on its own or could possibly alert the metal detector in the airport for years to come. Either way, I’m grateful to have access to screening for a possible cancer that I might never know was growing.
I do recommend, however, that you send A Rod out for the night during your colonoscopy prep. That’s all I’ll say about that.
Lastly, your weight.
Even you, beautiful J Lo, will soon realize that what you have always done to maintain a healthy weight will be thrown out by changing hormones and a slowing metabolism. Maybe you’ll combat this better than I (and most of my friends) have, because you have been very focused on a fitness routine. I mean, it’s part of your job. But for the rest of us, it’s a constant battle to keep the scale from creeping up and up each year.
As I watched you from a comfy sofa with a half-finished bourbon resting on my wobbly tummy, I was in equal parts motivated, proud, and scared.
- Motivated because a 50-year-old woman demonstrated her femininity and power in the most amazing way I’ve ever seen.
- Proud because you crafted a program that featured women joyfully dancing and singing together in a place that is certainly always owned by the guys.
- Scared because I know about the million little betrayals potentially coming your way as a woman of a certain age.
Perhaps rather than focusing on that scary part, I should instead take inspiration from you. Maybe I can be proud of the strong (sort of) woman I am, stay motivated to exert my power, and demonstrate a “new 50” for other women.
Thank You, J Lo
So thank you, J Lo (and Shakira, too), for bringing inspiration to a whole lot of women. And, by the way, if you want a coupon for really cute readers or the best place to purchase fish oil capsules (we can talk about your triglycerides another time), DM me on Insta (@lambertcw). I’m looking forward to seeing what’s next for you.