If you were born during the late 1970s you may be familiar with one of the oldest family sitcoms to air, The Brady Brunch. Sing along with me . . .
Here’s the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold
Like their mother . . .
If you are not familiar with The Brady Bunch, maybe you know of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats, Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth, or Kate Capshaw and Steven Spielberg. All of these couples have one thing in common: they are a part of blended families.
With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it is likely that these children will be raised in a blended family.
Divorce Happens
In society, divorce is a mistake.
Or maybe it was the best decision two adults could have made knowing that their toxic relationship was not good for their children.
Perhaps they realized that they are better at co-parenting than marriage and they are keeping their children the focus of their relationship. Co-parenting is not easy. It takes communication and being willing to put the needs of the children ahead of your emotions.
You don’t realize that after you sign the divorce papers to end your marriage, you may not be the only mothering figure in your child’s life.
During my many conversations with my ex-husband, we never discussed getting married again. Maybe we were uncomfortable or just happy that we were both on the same page about raising our child.
Until one day his girlfriend magically appeared, and I learned they had been dating for a while. Oh, was I steaming!!! How dare he bring another woman around MY child and not tell me.
I patiently waited until my son went to bed and then called his father. Through clinched teeth I asked, “Who is the woman you have around MY son?”
He responded through clinched teeth, “He is OUR son.”
Mic drop!!! Checkmate! He is right. He is OUR son.
He went on to apologize for not telling me and we scheduled a day for me to meet her. He also reminded me that he will always have the best interest of OUR son in mind and she was a really nice woman.
After disconnecting the call, reality hit me like a ton of bricks and I began to think Oh, heck naw! I hope she don’t think he is calling her Mommy. He isn’t calling her Mommy. I am his mommy. The idea of another woman replacing me as my son’s mom hurt my heart.
In a matter of minutes, in my mind they were married and my son was calling her Mommy. I had to tell myself to slow down, they were just dating.
In preparation for the meeting, we decided that it was best for our son to not be there. I brought tension with me. Imagine her sitting looking primped and proper and me walking in like an elephant protecting her calf.
I came ready to ask a ton of questions, not really thinking about her or how she felt. I needed her to know that he was my son! In hindsight, my ex-husband was a trooper. Sitting between two strong-willed women is a recipe for an atomic bomb. We all left the meeting with clear understanding of our roles. I am his mommy and she was the girlfriend.
Accepting Reality and Being Willing to Share
Our son truly loved her and always had nice things to say about her. I was truly happy for his father and wanted the best for him. Two years later, he popped the question and they were married. For two years, she was “Daddy’s girlfriend”. Then she was “Daddy’s wife”.
My son came home and said, “Now that Daddy is married, is it okay if I call her “Mommy?” I took a deep breath and said, “Let Mommy think about that, Baby.”
Initially, I felt like she was going to replace me as my son’s mom. Then I had a conversation with my best friend, and she told me that another woman will never replace me. My son will always know that I am his mommy. He will always love me. She suggested I have a woman-to-woman conversation with her.
In my mind, I was his mommy and I didn’t want to share him with another woman. The hardest thing I had to learn after my divorce was to share my son.
It took me two weeks to filter through my emotions and have the conversation with her. It was just me and her. This conversation was different. She was no longer the girlfriend that may or may not be there; she was the wife and I was a fragile mom afraid to allow someone else to love her child.
She broke the ice. She reassured me that she was not there to replace me and she truly loved and cared for my son. I let her know that my son wanted to call her Mommy. She was surprised and honored.
Our son calls her “Mommy Dez”.
I came to realize that my son having a stepmom does not make me less of a mother; it means that he as two amazing strong women to call Mommy. He gets twice the love, hugs, and advice.
Creating the Solution or Feeding the Problem
It was my responsibility to make a space for my son’s bonus mom at the parenting table and share the parenting role. When she married our son’s father, she chose to accept and love him. Recognizing her as a parent in our child’s life made the relationship better.
Was it always easy? Of course not, but it was necessary!
When I removed the mental death grip I had wrapped around my son, I realized what was best was my son receiving double LOVE! Mommy Dez is a positive, caring, and loving woman and I could not ask for a better bonus mom for my son.
Mommy Dez and I have developed a strong relationship. We have had girls’ night out, while her husband took care of our son. We have exercised together. We are friends.
Some of our family members did not understand how we were able to get along. For me, my marriage to my ex-husband was over and there were no emotional ties outside of the love for our child; our focus was on making sure our son was happy.
The tension I created was due to my insecurities as a mom, being selfish, and not sharing my son. I was your typical territorial mom. Mommy Dez choose to love our son as her own. What a BLESSING!!! Our son has two moms who love him.
Moms, we can make co-parenting easy or hard. We are the driving force in building a healthy relationship with our ex-spouse and their significant other. My decision to let down my guard and accept that my son deserves all the love in the world was the turning point in my relationship with Mommy Dez.
There are many ways to build strong a blended family. These are my top three ways:
Find a common ground.
Mommy Dez and I are both in Greek organizations. We always joke about which one is the best and share stories of being in college and strolling at the parties. Prior to me moving to Birmingham, we enjoyed going to the winery for wine tastings. It is easier to have a caring, loving, and friendly relationship with the bonus mom and not always be focused our parental relationship and just simply enjoy our time together.
Say “thank you”.
Oh, wow!!! Really, something as simple as saying “thank you” can build a strong relationship?! Yes, who knew?
How many times as a mom have you longed to hear “Thank you, Mom, for . . .”? When you did receive the compliment, you felt appreciated and it made your day better.
Being a mom is hard — and imagine being a bonus mom. Yes, they decided to marry someone with a child, but they make many sacrifices to be with the man they love.
“Thank you for choosing to love my son/daughter.”
“Thank you for stepping in when his/her dad was not able to be there.”
“Thank you for helping with the homework.”
“Thank you.”
What could it hurt to say these things? It always feels good to be acknowledged and appreciated. I tip my hat to all loving and caring bonus moms.
Get a life and don’t think about the kiddos.
I know this may seem a little harsh, but I am not one to sugar coat things!! Don’t think about your children.
Take a deep breath in and out . . . I said don’t think about them; I did not say FORGET them. It is not good to sit on the couch wondering what they ate for dinner, what they are doing, and what they are wearing.
Take advantage of your time alone. If you have remarried, plan date nights during those weekends. If you are not remarried, go out with your friends, visit that restaurant you always wanted to go to, see a non-animated movie. You are going to be away from them anyway, so you might as well make the best out of it.
First and foremost, a blended family is a family and it is the responsibility of the parents to create a loving and stable upbringing for the children. Building a strong blended family has it challenges, like a non-blended family, but being willing to show up every day, make mistakes and learn from them, and love unconditionally is a recipe for a happy, well-adjusted, well-blended family.
Are you a part of a blended family? What struggles have you worked through? What solutions have you created to have a well-blended family?
