“Kinder than is necessary.” I’ll admit it, I stole that quote. I downright stole it from one of my favorite books, Wonder. Man, is it true. I am going to tell you a little bit about my weekend and the few days that followed.
Anxiety Is One of My Demons
The first thing you should know about me is that anxiety is one of my demons. I don’t know where this started. I think it manifested itself at some point when I was in the depths of a toxic relationship. It never seemed to completely go away. I’ve always felt guilty about this. How can I be anxious AND have faith? Then, my best friend (and soul sister) sent me this quote by C.S. Lewis:
“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ.”
Wow. Hi, I’m Haley, and a quote has never resonated with me as much as that one. I go through a lot alone. I keep it all locked up in my mind where it feels safe, and I don’t have to talk about it. That is exactly how this weekend started.
Downhill After the Dermatologist
Dermatology appointments have always made me nervous, so I scheduled my appointment early in the day (to get it over with). While I was nervous about this appointment, I was no more nervous this time than any other. I walked in, chipper after coffee, ready to get going.
They called me back and ran through their script, professional as ever. Soon enough, I was in the gown ready to be examined. My dermatologist came in, said everything looked good, but . . . oh wait! What’s this? Oh, this has to come off.
I’m still breathing, y’all. I haven’t panicked. Then, she tells me, “We’re going to take this. I’m concerned it may be melanoma.”
Trying to Be a Big Girl
Like I said, anxiety is a big issue for me. I told three people about the possible melanoma: my husband, my mom, and my best friend Sara Beth. I could not bear to tell anyone else. What if they ask me if I have heard back yet?
Friday night came. We had friends over. We did sweet things like bake sugar cookies with our kids. I smiled. But the only thing I could think about was my fear. Then Saturday came. Luckily, this day was spent with my friend who knew. I felt more relaxed but still anxious. Breathe in, breathe out.
When Being a Mom Takes Priority
Monday Night (I Need a Re-do, Please)
Tuesday — Praise God for Tuesday
The Moral of the Story
I am okay. My little one is okay. I may feel like a crappy mother (I know I’m not), but I am alive to see that chipped tooth! This was a stressful week, to say the least. But . . . it taught me something.
I felt the weight of all that I carried alone. I physically felt it in my shoulders by the time Tuesday came. It made me wonder, if I carried this so silently, what are other people carrying? I am realistic enough to know that my story of this weekend and week is NOTHING compared to the story of some people.
What are you carrying? It is my hope and prayer that your family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances are kinder than necessary to you. Spread a little love. There’s not enough, and we all need it.